Monday, March 10, 2014

On the subject of sensation

A few days ago, I was reading this book. I was in that phase of warming up to the character; you know, that part where you're not sure if you can relate but you're starting to see them as a friend of sorts.
Anyways, as I was accepting this character, something you might call 'heartbreaking' happened.
Something like that happens all the time in books and it becomes pretty predictable, but what I've noticed in my self is that each time my heart clenches just as I picture theirs to do, and I become just as melancholic as they do. That part is normal for me; I consider myself to be a very empathetic person(whether I want to be or not :/) But the peculiar thing is that I like having these emotions. I don;t know to explain it, but it's been on my mind a lot.
And it sin't only in books. When I find myself crying for whatever reason, I urge myself to think about reasons to cry. It's not for attention or anything, I absolutely hate when someone is present during my emotional breakdowns(well maybe not that dramatic)..
I guess it seems weird, liking the feeling of heartbreak, betrayal, sadness?? I'm not masochistic, am I?

A theory I have is that maybe I subconsciously crave those feelings because it helps me keep myself grounded. Instead of drifting off into another world I would rather be sad and stay functional.
I'm only beginning to discover myself now and being aware of all these aspects of myself is weird.

Friday, February 21, 2014


I was recently slapped with the memories of watching Xena: Warrior Princess when i was younger.

 It has been nearly ten years now since i sat in silence in front of a small crappy TV, next to my mother, watching Xena fighting for the greater good in Russian voice-overs.            

Sexy, beautiful, bad-ass; what more can one want from this incredible feminist icon. Xena was the most relatable amazonian princess; she did what we all do: run from the past in fear of the mistakes we've regrettably made. But run was not all she did. She strived to fight for what she believed in and with the help of the (adorable) companion, Gabrielle, to pull her back when needed, she achieved just that. 

 I only now realize how impossibly amazing that series was and how it influenced me, a six-year-old, at that time. Without me being aware, after the "Xena" evenings, my being began to altar. I became more confident, like Xena; more persistent, like Xena; more capable, like Xena. Subtracting this tiny factor from my childhood would result in someone who wasn't , essentially, me. 

Thank you, Xena (and Gabrielle)! 

Monday, February 17, 2014

So new to this

So first blogpost, huh? I've been reading a lot of blogs recently and I just got the urge to start one (don't know if i can maintain it though). I'm really new at this so if you're looking for quality writing, this isn't it... at least not yet ;-)
To be honest, i spent hours on deciding what this blog's going to looks like rather than actually doing blog stuff.

This past week has been really a really self-realization type of week for me. I was stuck at home due to the horrible (not really) weather conditions here *cough cough* like 5 inches of snow and the whole state's freaking out *cough cough*
Anyways, between watching k-dramas with my dad and washing dishes, i really had too much time on my hands (which could have went towards doing homework...). I picked up a few books from the school library the days before and decided to squeeze in a bit of reading (or anytime i wasn't sleeping or eating).

One particular book in my pile was Rainbow Rowell 's Fangirl (a novel).

If you're a fanfiction nerd than you will relate to this book like bees relate to hornets (um bad analogy?). It's about a college freshman whose 1/2 of a pair of twins. She struggles with her family; her roommate; a frustratingly helpful teacher; and yes, eventually, romance.
Apparently it's a great coming of age book (i really don't like that term); but whatever, it left me satisfied and in wonder.
-i also googled fanfiction for fangirl because how ironic would that be?-
To me, this book seemed like an amazing fictionpress story that had been miraculously published (thankfully). Who knows? Whatever the origin tale for the book was, I'm glass it made it to my school's library!